You were already tired because you had a long day. Being with the kids the whole day was intense, and you just needed a moment alone.
But your two kiddos decided to start fighting about the silly… You don’t even know what it was all about. But when the older one hit the younger one, he started to cry wildly.
At that moment it was enough for you. You spanked the older one and told him a few not-very-nice things. Like he should be ashamed of himself, such a big boy and acting out like that!
The Emotional Aftermath Of A Storm
But after the storm was over, you felt terrible. You can still see the surprised and scared look in the eyes of your children when you started screaming out of nowhere and when you slapped your firstborn on the ass.
You just wanted them to stop yelling and arguing. You couldn’t solve it any other way. You love your children and would never want to hurt them. But sometimes you lose your temper and spank them.
Always after such a conflict, your heart aches and you wish it would never happen again. At the same time, you may wonder if you have traumatized your children for life.
You don’t know what to do. Time cannot be turned back, so you try to be kinder to the children. You cook their favorite food and hug them in bed in the evening for longer than usual. You promise yourself that you will never do it again. You never spank your child!
But a few days, maybe weeks, pass and everything repeats itself all over again.
What about that?
I hear you, mums and dads! And I have got great news for you too.
In this article you will find answers to the following questions:
- What to do to never spank your child again?
- What to do when it has already happened?
First of all, you need to realize how important you are. Your role as a parent is extremely important and difficult. Full of challenges and responsibilities. And to do it well and avoid emotional outbursts, you need to think about yourself.
For many mothers I talk to, it is almost unimaginable to put yourself first.
First, they feel like they are bad mothers when they don’t put their children first.
Second, they cannot imagine that it is even possible to find some time for themselves.
“My children are my priority.”
Children are highest on the list of values for the majority of women I talk to during research.
But it is a vicious circle. Raising children requires a lot of strength, energy, insight, and understanding. If a parent doesn’t think about their own needs and doesn’t take the time to recharge their batteries, it happens much more often. The parent explodes and behaves towards their children in a way they don’t want to.
Because when a parent explodes, it’s a real explosion.
If you prioritize your children above all else, it may have a paradoxical effect and ultimately be detrimental to them. By placing yourself lower in the priority list, you may not be able to provide the best care for them.
And then there is a lot more shouting, a lot more arguments, and yes, you guessed it right, sometimes the kids get spanked. So precisely what you don’t want is happening.
By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t take care of your children; that should be clear. I just want to show you the connections.
As parents, we tend to make sacrifices for our children all the time. Women often sacrifice themselves for their men and men for women.
But this is the way to more frequently fall into uncontrollable behavior, and at the same time, another important thing is happening.
We Are Their Role Models
You are showing your children that you don’t matter and that their needs are more important than yours.
Is this the link you want to convey to them? I think not.
Many of us behave this way because we grew up in a similar environment. Father was often at work all day, so we didn’t see him that much. And mom took care of us at the expense of herself.
We have adopted this pattern of behavior and co-existence into adulthood and unconsciously continue it.
We don’t have to do much.
1. What to do to never spank your child again?
Treat yourself to something every day. Recharge your batteries regularly. What do you like? A warm bath, reading a book, an evening walk in the park…
It doesn’t have to take long.
By thinking about yourself, you will get out of the vicious circle. You will be more in balance, and therefore you will explode less often in front of children and avoid spanking them.
Communication Is The Key
Another thing that helps prevent spanking children is to start communicating with them directly about how you feel and what you need.
The next time a situation with the children is tense, try to stop. I know it won’t be easy to change your old behavioral patterns, but I promise, it’s worth it. That’s why you’re here, right?
So, in a situation where you feel like you’re starting to shout and solve the children’s disobedient behavior by spanking them, stop.
Inhale, exhale, and instead of the usual reaction, tell the children what you see and feel and what needs to be done.
It might look something like this: “I see you’re arguing over a car here. I need you to come to an agreement quietly. I’m tired, and I need rest.”
Several things happened here at once. You described the facts without emotion. You have told the children what you see, or what you hear. That’s the first win. Instead of blaming and shouting, you remained matter-of-fact and calm.
You gave the children clear instructions on what to do. So you pointed them in the right direction. Still in a matter-of-fact tone. Without explosions and threats.
And finally, you told them how you feel. So you didn’t keep your feelings to yourself. They went out nicely and thus there is no residue of anger or irritation left in you. Also thanks to such a regular release of emotions, you avoid spanking them, because you are more in balance.
This Won't Work With My Kids
You may be thinking right now: My children would never respond to such an approach. How exactly do you proceed if the children continue to argue?
Children often do not listen, but the good news is that in the How To Get Your Kids To Listen eBook you will find 20 tips on how to solve this and similar situations. You can also listen to the eBook if you don’t have time to read. Find out more here>>
Can You Feel The Difference?
You may have reacted something like this before: “Stop arguing immediately! I’ve had enough of you. I’ve been on my feet all day, taking you out and you’re going to repay me like this?”
Do you recognize yourself in this reaction? Compare it with the previous reaction and I believe that from now on you only want to use only the first option.
What do children learn from this second reaction?
They are confused and feel insecure. Out of nowhere, their beloved mom or dad started yelling and accusing them of various things. They didn’t even understand some of them. They might even begin to doubt whether mom or dad still loves them.
As parents, we often put on different faces. We try to be strong in front of the children and handle everything that comes our way gracefully.
Children Are Intuitive.
When they see us look calm on the outside (even if we are about to explode on the inside) but can feel tension or unease from us, they don’t know what to think.
We teach them to suppress their feelings in this way from an early age. After all, what’s wrong with saying: I failed, now I’m sad, I’m tired…
We tell our children much more about our positive feelings: hey, I’m happy, I managed to do this, I feel amazing…
If we also open up about negative emotions, we will not only show our children the right way to vent their feelings but also expand their vocabulary.
Perhaps now you feel that there is hope to behave in such a way that we never spank children again.
You may be asking:
But will it apply to my children? And what should I say in another situation?
The most common outbursts of parents are when their children do not listen to them and when parents can’t point children in the right direction.
I have a great solution for you. I have created an eBook that will show you many ways to communicate with children so they listen to you.
That way you won’t have to shout, repeat yourself and spank your children. You can read more about the eBook at this link>>
We have answered the first question. You can look forward to it because you now know how to get out of the vicious cycle of kids getting so upset that you have to spank them. And then you’re sorry.
We then come to the second question.
2. What To Do When You Spanked Your Child And You Are Sorry?
Ok, Simona, I understand how to prevent spanking my child. But what should I do if it has already happened and I am afraid that they will be traumatized for life? I’m terribly sad that I lost my nerve.
“I really didn’t see any other solution, so I spanked him.”
“I failed again.”
I hear such quotes from parents when I work with them. They are very sorry that they hit their child and are willing to do everything so that it never happens again.
“I have a bad temper.“
“My kids are unbearable!“
Many times these parents have already told themselves that they will not spank their child, but something always happens, they lose control and… You know what follows.
If you also cannot get out of the vicious circle and feel that you need support. I invite you to our private FB group Simigarten Parenting Academy, where you will find all the support you need. Click the link to go to the group>>
If you lost your temper and spanked your child, here’s what you can do:
Go to your child and apologize. Say you’re sorry for what happened. That you were tired and that you couldn’t handle the situation.
That you were upset that they were arguing and didn’t want to take off their clothes. Tell them that you are working on yourself and that next time you will try to handle it differently, better. Reassure them you love them.
Forgive yourself for the fact that it didn’t go your way and go over in your mind the course of action you will take the next time a similar situation arises.
Raising a child is an extremely difficult job. We were never intended to raise a child alone. As the old Native American saying goes:
And you are often alone. Pat yourself on the back, hug yourself and acknowledge what you are doing well. What is working for you?
And remember: Be the parent you want your child to be.
We are gods to our children. We are constantly being watched, so it is amazing that you are here and that you want to find an effective way to learn to communicate with your children respectfully and never spank them again.
Did this article lend a helping hand? Did you learn any useful information from it? Please let me know in the comment below.
This was really helpful to read. A great way to forgive yourself after making a mistake. Thank you so much for writing.
Very interesting read, thanks for sharing!